There's a lot of talk these days about the way parents are too intrusive, or controlling, or dominant when it comes to running their kids' lives. We've all heard the prototypical examples:
- the dad that does the science project (or in California, builds the mission!)
- the parents who write the college essay
- the mom who confronts the teacher when the kid is in trouble ("I don't know why I did it... there was the bunson burner; there was a pony tail; it just seemed sorta natural...")
The label most often used, especially but not exclusively by colleges, is the Helicopter Parent.
As I've considered what many think is the opposite of my term "systemic abandonment," the helicopter parent is actually just displaying a form of abandonment. In my view, the kind of parents that hover to the point that they answer questions the kid should be answering is actually keeping the kid from learning how to discover and express who they are (Identity) and what kind of personal power, or sense of self, they are developing (Autonomy). I don't really think most of these folks are necessarily "helicopter parents," but rather are parents who, for the most part, deeply care for their children and therefore think they are acting in the best interest of the child as they are trying to help them. These parents (and, frankly, at times the rest of us) abandon their kid whenever we are not actively seeking to help them become the independent, individuated person they have been created and called to become. This is because the concept itself refers to any adult that is more concerned with their own perspective/agenda than the
developmental best of the kid.
And sometimes parents may be appearing to be "helicopter" when in fact they may be far more aware of any teacher, administrator, resident advisor or coach what is the best way to help an adolescent move into healthy adulthood. Whether or not parents slip into the hover mode is at base a difficult thing to really know. When any of us are critical of those parents who may seem to be over-the-top when it comes to their involvement with their child, it might be a good idea to step back and see if we might come alongside and be a source of support and help to the whole system. And when we are pretty sure we're right in our assesment of over-controlling parents (or any adult), then maybe our best next step is to be there for that child in the role we do have with them, and provide the authentic and supportive support they truly need. Maybe the helicopter will take note and settle down a bit and join in.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
SLP daily blog Day Eight
The Student Leadership Project (or SLP), the 8 year Lilly Endowment-funded partnership of Young Life and Fuller Seminary. 37 high school rising seniors from across the country, hand-picked, personally chosen and nominated for leadership gifts and calling.
Monday, Day Eight
As we look to wrap up our SLP 09 experience, our morning was filled with exploring what it means to follow Christ when we so often fail, get discouraged, and sometimes even slip away. Our search brought us into the book of Galatians, and especially the fifth chapter, where Paul reminds us that it is faith, or trust in God, that when coupled with waiting on the Spirit produces the “righteousness for which we hope.” Typically Christians focus on trying to “be righteous” by being good and worthy and consistent to the rules and norms we’ve been taught. It is so easy to live as though God were folding his arms waiting for us to “get with” the demands of the Gospel. But Paul turns that thinking upside down when we read Galatians 5:5. Our job is to trust and wait, his job is to change us into the men and women we are called to be. And the outcome? There is only one that concerns our Father: love (Galatians 5:6, “…the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love”).
With rapt attention and personal reflection, our student leaders and staff community wrestled with the specific areas or issues where we do not, or at least struggle with, trust Christ. This now defines the journey we are all on as leaders: hearing and heeding the call of the Holy Spirit who draws our attention to whatever would steal our abandoned trust in the lion of Judah, our king. Working through what I call “regular spiritual disciplines” as followers of Christ (worship, prayer, scripture, community, giving and justice) and other “proven” historical spiritual disciplines of the people of God, like fasting, contemplation, solitude, etc., we are more readily aligned with the Spirit who is at work within us.
Heady concepts for high school rising seniors, but our student leaders really wanted to know what it could mean to learn how to lean into the kingdom of God versus wallowing in the muck of guilt from the past or the bandage of failure and discouragement in the present. Our student leaders are preparing to go home, and to enter into a whole new way of living for Jesus Christ and serving him and his kingdom. Today they’ve gotten the teaching, reflected on the scripture, and this afternoon and evening now present the opportunity to work through it all in community.
Monday, Day Eight
As we look to wrap up our SLP 09 experience, our morning was filled with exploring what it means to follow Christ when we so often fail, get discouraged, and sometimes even slip away. Our search brought us into the book of Galatians, and especially the fifth chapter, where Paul reminds us that it is faith, or trust in God, that when coupled with waiting on the Spirit produces the “righteousness for which we hope.” Typically Christians focus on trying to “be righteous” by being good and worthy and consistent to the rules and norms we’ve been taught. It is so easy to live as though God were folding his arms waiting for us to “get with” the demands of the Gospel. But Paul turns that thinking upside down when we read Galatians 5:5. Our job is to trust and wait, his job is to change us into the men and women we are called to be. And the outcome? There is only one that concerns our Father: love (Galatians 5:6, “…the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love”).
With rapt attention and personal reflection, our student leaders and staff community wrestled with the specific areas or issues where we do not, or at least struggle with, trust Christ. This now defines the journey we are all on as leaders: hearing and heeding the call of the Holy Spirit who draws our attention to whatever would steal our abandoned trust in the lion of Judah, our king. Working through what I call “regular spiritual disciplines” as followers of Christ (worship, prayer, scripture, community, giving and justice) and other “proven” historical spiritual disciplines of the people of God, like fasting, contemplation, solitude, etc., we are more readily aligned with the Spirit who is at work within us.
Heady concepts for high school rising seniors, but our student leaders really wanted to know what it could mean to learn how to lean into the kingdom of God versus wallowing in the muck of guilt from the past or the bandage of failure and discouragement in the present. Our student leaders are preparing to go home, and to enter into a whole new way of living for Jesus Christ and serving him and his kingdom. Today they’ve gotten the teaching, reflected on the scripture, and this afternoon and evening now present the opportunity to work through it all in community.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
The Church: A Barbarian Revolt or a Passing on of the Faith Story?
December 27. Today is our anniversary. Imagine, Dee putting up with me for 28 years! Our partnership, our friendship, our commitment and abandoned passion has given us quite a ride.
Every anniversary it happens to me: I get this "What's the new, next, around-the-bend reality and calling that needs a fresh look?" feeling. I pull out books I had meant to read, revisit journal entries, fire up my (some would say hyper-) critical facilities, and attempt to align my mind and soul and heart with what God is up to.
So I read a book by a well-known Christian influencer this morning. It disturbed me, mostly due to the abundance of sweeping, unsubstantiated generalizations and unending use of stories to prove points the author has already asserted (and now wants to drive home with a family anecdote). Filled with over-statement, accusation, and condescension, the book is less about what it means to be a devoted follower of Christ than it is a shot across the bow, okay, a shot between the eyes, toward those who the author believes have allowed themselves to be complacent, "civilized" Christians. One example of how whole congregations are cast:
“Civility focuses our energy on all the wrong places. We spend our lives emphasizing our personal development and spiritual well-being. We build churches that become nothing more than hiding places for the faithful while pretending that our actions are for the good of the world.”
Yet, at the same time, I'm glad I read it, for there is a basic message flowing from these pages that need to be heard. It can be summarized in these two statements:
“Domesticated Christians are far too willing to abdicate the battle for the soul of the world… The driving purpose of this barbarian revolt is to liberate every person who longs to find freedom in God.”
I want to think more about this. Without resorting to an almost offensive assault on those whose faith expressions look different than mine, or who do value education and piety and reflection, I am struck by the simple and abandoned core reminder that, especially in today's world, those who publicly use Christ's name can easily be seen as having little passion for or commitment to the radical message of the Gospel.
I will thank this author when I see him. I will also ponder and then take these thoughts into my Fuller class starting January 5, Youth Outreach. For you who are taking the class, get ready for a ride.
Happy anniversary, Dee. Thanks for the gift of life together. May we always stay the course, and run and free after the prize for which Jesus has taken hold of us.
Every anniversary it happens to me: I get this "What's the new, next, around-the-bend reality and calling that needs a fresh look?" feeling. I pull out books I had meant to read, revisit journal entries, fire up my (some would say hyper-) critical facilities, and attempt to align my mind and soul and heart with what God is up to.
So I read a book by a well-known Christian influencer this morning. It disturbed me, mostly due to the abundance of sweeping, unsubstantiated generalizations and unending use of stories to prove points the author has already asserted (and now wants to drive home with a family anecdote). Filled with over-statement, accusation, and condescension, the book is less about what it means to be a devoted follower of Christ than it is a shot across the bow, okay, a shot between the eyes, toward those who the author believes have allowed themselves to be complacent, "civilized" Christians. One example of how whole congregations are cast:
“Civility focuses our energy on all the wrong places. We spend our lives emphasizing our personal development and spiritual well-being. We build churches that become nothing more than hiding places for the faithful while pretending that our actions are for the good of the world.”
Yet, at the same time, I'm glad I read it, for there is a basic message flowing from these pages that need to be heard. It can be summarized in these two statements:
“Domesticated Christians are far too willing to abdicate the battle for the soul of the world… The driving purpose of this barbarian revolt is to liberate every person who longs to find freedom in God.”
I want to think more about this. Without resorting to an almost offensive assault on those whose faith expressions look different than mine, or who do value education and piety and reflection, I am struck by the simple and abandoned core reminder that, especially in today's world, those who publicly use Christ's name can easily be seen as having little passion for or commitment to the radical message of the Gospel.
I will thank this author when I see him. I will also ponder and then take these thoughts into my Fuller class starting January 5, Youth Outreach. For you who are taking the class, get ready for a ride.
Happy anniversary, Dee. Thanks for the gift of life together. May we always stay the course, and run and free after the prize for which Jesus has taken hold of us.
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